4:44 am. Ojalá estuvieras acá para cansarme y dormir profundo.-

el ou vi i

i-l-u-s-a.-

Supéralo hueona, han pasado MESES y todavía no asumí que el hueón te envoló. Te dijo que un caballero no tiene memoria y vo le creíste, que tú erai la más linda y vo le creíste, que te amaba y que haría todo por ti y vo le creíste. Te dijo que él era para ti, que las cambió a todas por una sola, que se había enamorado, que no te sacaba de su cabeza, que por ti iba a ser perfecto, te lo juró con el alma, que nació para estar contigo Y VO LE CREÍSTE.


ILUSA.

Bajo las nubecitas, parte tres de miles.

Típico. Sola de noche con el clásico nudo en la garganta que se produce en el momento exacto en que me doy cuenta que estoy repitiendo la historia. Típico. Estoy repitiendo la historia. Entonces ahora es cuando decido. Típico. Cierro los ojos con fuerza y me tapo los oidos para que ya no me suene tu voz, y al mismo tiempo te conviertes en un eco que me está llenando. No tan típico, pero predecible. Entonces ahora es cuando decido y vuelvo a prometerme que no voy a dejar que te acerques y suelto una lágrima con rabia porque no logro entender por qué me quitas la coraza. Para nada típico.

Me dejo caer sobre la cama con la mirada fija en el techo tratando de encontrar el segundo preciso en el que te convertí en lo que ahora eres para mi, pero termino encontrando un lugar que solo visito en sueños y por alguna razón te encuentro ahí.

Despertar y que no estés es triste, pero esa es la parte buena. Me imagino que despertar contigo debe ser desolador.

Te llevaste todo mi aire.

Supieras cuántas veces te he escuchado decir mi nombre y para que no te des cuenta del daño que me haces me muerdo la lengua hasta que sangra y cierro los ojos con fuerza para no soltar mil lágrimas y no me resulta. Supieras las cosas que te he escuchado decir y todavía no puedo convencerme que es mejor dejarte ir. Supieras que me partes el corazón y que no importa si estamos lejos, ni cuánto tiempo pase, ni lo que me digas, ni lo que yo te diga, ni las veces que me hagas llorar, ni las veces que me quiera morir, ni cuántos vengan después de ti, no hay nadie que se te compare.

Te llevaste todo mi aire.

El Fin.

it might not be the right time
i might not be the right one
but there's something about us i want to say
cause there's something between us anyway...

i might not be the right one
it might not be the right time
but there's something about us i've got to do
some kind of secret i will share with you

i need you more than anything in my life
i want you more than anything in my life
i'll miss you more than anyone in my life
i love you more than anyone in my life

[por casualidad suelo tropezar con la canción que resume exactamente como me siento]

[El Fin.]

Todas las cosas que nos dijimos.
Todos los planes que hicimos.
Todas las cosas que nos prometimos.

It still means the world to me.

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.

You ever love someone so much you can barely breathe when you're with them? You meet and neither one of you even know what hit them, got that warn fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, i used to get them. Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at them. You swore you've never hit them, never do nothing to hurt them, now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them. You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit them, throw them down, pin them... so lost in the moments when you're in them.
It's the rage that took over, it controls you both, so they say it's best to go our separate ways.

i'm so cold, so cold without you.

pronto pronto feliz feliz ^^

god, send me a divine message on how to proceed.

i can't deal with this feeling anymore.

hola, 25 de mayo.

ándate luego, que me pones triste :)

Letter

i thought i would be over with the crying thing by now, but i'm crying so fucking loud i even got my dad to stop snoring. i feel like Mike Tyson punched me on the chest and cut me off from air supply. i'm so sad that I smile, how sick is that?
i can't sleep.-

you're, most likely, the best thing that has ever happened to me and, most likely, the worst.
and i never suffered like this before, and it's logical since i loved you like i never loved before.

I lost trail of the person i was building since the last time my heart got smashed.
i don't even know who i am anymore.
i'm the pieces of the girl you left, when you left.

i'm falling face down and i don't even know if you are the thing i need to get back on my feet.
i wonder if there is anything anyone could do to make me right.
you're the one who broke me and i don't believe that you could fix me.
i always end up saying this, but i got broken forever. i ran out of love.
you don't give a shit. you don't even know how bad this hurts, do you?

this is the story of my life with a different end.
i meet this really nice guy, we see each other a couple of times, we get off, we fall in love (or at least i do), he does something stupid and i get dumped. then i feel bad for a few days and then i get it on with another boy, until he messes up and so on.
i met this really nice guy, we saw each other a couple of times, we fell in love and then we got off. he did nothing stupid, nothing wrong. he did what he had to do and there's no behavior i could possibly punish. it's been weeks and i still can't stop crying at night and i have a bunch of other boys i could get in on with but what's the point if even the word 'dating' makes me sick to the stomach.

what surprises me the most is that i would usually think that all i need is to have you with me to stop being this mess i became, but i'm not.
being with you is not something i need, is something i'd be glad to have.
you're more than a caprice to me.
you are the man i love, but at the same time you're everything that i want to be away from.
you are the man i love and the only person in the world i feel i can't trust.
i'm in serious ironic sarcastic pain.
and i know someday it will go away and i will stop feeling like this,
but in the mean time, i just want you to know that you're more than a caprice to me, because if you were, i wouldn't be able to say that i want you to be happy even if it's not with me. i want you to be happy because you're the most amazing person i have ever met and you deserve all the best that life can bring you.

xoxo
the little red sea horse on your wall.

these violent delights have violent ends.

don't speak in anger,

don't speak in angst,

don't speak in tears,

don't speak from the heart.

remain in silence as long as it takes.

don't shoot.

i'm not ok.

i swallow with the intention of swallowing the pain.

i place both my hands over my ears to try to stop my head from spinning.

i wrap my arms around my chest just to stay in one piece.

i can't even put sentences together because i'm so broken.

shoot.

no, don't shoot.

i'm still broken.

i can't fix this mess.

i can't fix me.

what am i to you?

Because you are the one i love and the one i'm in love with, the one i miss so much that it hurts, the one i trust, the one that makes me feel weak in the knees and go blank. i picture your face in the back of my mind while i go through all the details i have in my head, the smell of your hair, the sound of your voice, the texture of your skin and the curvature of your muscles around your shoulders, the exact moment when i notice you're already asleep, the exact moment when i close my eyes and smile because i have you with me. to make it a short story: you are the world to me.

what am i to you, then?
i'm nothing but a broken heart trying to find out if you're still in love with me.

i wish you knew how hard i hold myself to you, because the last thing i want in this world is to wake up one morning and realize you're not mine anymore.

[i'm yours forever, will you love me when i'm gone?]

fuera de servicio

aparentemente mi inspiración viene de los corazones rotos, la nostalgia y los malos ratos, así que declaro este blog como fuera de servicio mientras mi corazoncito se mantiene en una pieza y mis días dejan de ser tan increíbles. :)

03 abril 2007 3:08pm

it's like a sword across my chest.-

cuando iba caminando pal bar

a verte (pensando en que me ibai a patear

y me dí cuenta que no

sabía qué cara iba a poner

o qué hueá te iba a decir o

si iba a dejarte hablar

o en qué momento irme, no sabía nada de nada)

te iba imaginando corriendo bajo la lluvia con un

globo rojo amarrado

al dedito igual que los niñitos

chicos. y me dió tanta pena.

porque sentí que te me ibai.

y como pensé que me ibai a

patear casi me devuelvo y me

senté y me fumé un cigarro y

me paré y seguí caminando

con la guatita tan apretada

que temblé.

y todas las muchas/pocas cosas

que hemos hecho juntos

se me derretian en la cabeza

y de verdad no quería que

me patearai porque me has dado

tanto pa soñar y eso me ha dejao

tanto que perder.

es que yo sé que soy mala polola

y te prometo que quiero darte

más pero no sé nada de eso

y no quiero quedarme sin sueños

y no quiero quedarme sin ti durmiendo sola

en una cama heladita. no sé si me explico, oye,

estoy intentando hacerlo bien

simple.-

es que tú estai haciendo que te necesite.-

04 febrero 2010 1:24am

[em ecah lam etrev rasap ed sojel satnat secev]

y me acuerdo que tenía ganas

que leyerai esto pero tenía

verguenza así que aproveché que

ya te ibai y dejé la página puesta

y te fuí a esperar afuera de mi casa

y cuando saliste te dije que te habia

dejado algo, que subieras a leer.

y cuando bajaste te veniai riendo

pero con pena y me abrazaste

y me dijiste que te habia gustado

la parte del globito. a mi me gustó

más haber despertado ese día y

que todavía estuvierai conmigo.

se siente tan bien todo lo que hace mal...

undeniable facts.

i have flashbacks of his face. i remember him with all that my existence allows me. i don’t feel him anymore, but that doesn't mean i forgot how his kisses hit like, how he tasted like. i still get the details.

aware that i'm about to get all that i deserve, i'd pray if it could change everything this became. i'd like to drop everything back to zero. i just would like to be the girl who keeps him up at night. because he's the boy who keeps me up at night.

fighting to

get away fr

om this lov

e will neve

r do any go

od; it's li

ke running

from a kill

er in a hor

ror movie .

you loved me and hated me.
not sure what came first.
like the chicken or the egg.

entúrbiame los ojos
cuando te acuestas no te oyes y dejas la cama mojada.