hola, 25 de mayo.

ándate luego, que me pones triste :)

Letter

i thought i would be over with the crying thing by now, but i'm crying so fucking loud i even got my dad to stop snoring. i feel like Mike Tyson punched me on the chest and cut me off from air supply. i'm so sad that I smile, how sick is that?
i can't sleep.-

you're, most likely, the best thing that has ever happened to me and, most likely, the worst.
and i never suffered like this before, and it's logical since i loved you like i never loved before.

I lost trail of the person i was building since the last time my heart got smashed.
i don't even know who i am anymore.
i'm the pieces of the girl you left, when you left.

i'm falling face down and i don't even know if you are the thing i need to get back on my feet.
i wonder if there is anything anyone could do to make me right.
you're the one who broke me and i don't believe that you could fix me.
i always end up saying this, but i got broken forever. i ran out of love.
you don't give a shit. you don't even know how bad this hurts, do you?

this is the story of my life with a different end.
i meet this really nice guy, we see each other a couple of times, we get off, we fall in love (or at least i do), he does something stupid and i get dumped. then i feel bad for a few days and then i get it on with another boy, until he messes up and so on.
i met this really nice guy, we saw each other a couple of times, we fell in love and then we got off. he did nothing stupid, nothing wrong. he did what he had to do and there's no behavior i could possibly punish. it's been weeks and i still can't stop crying at night and i have a bunch of other boys i could get in on with but what's the point if even the word 'dating' makes me sick to the stomach.

what surprises me the most is that i would usually think that all i need is to have you with me to stop being this mess i became, but i'm not.
being with you is not something i need, is something i'd be glad to have.
you're more than a caprice to me.
you are the man i love, but at the same time you're everything that i want to be away from.
you are the man i love and the only person in the world i feel i can't trust.
i'm in serious ironic sarcastic pain.
and i know someday it will go away and i will stop feeling like this,
but in the mean time, i just want you to know that you're more than a caprice to me, because if you were, i wouldn't be able to say that i want you to be happy even if it's not with me. i want you to be happy because you're the most amazing person i have ever met and you deserve all the best that life can bring you.

xoxo
the little red sea horse on your wall.

these violent delights have violent ends.

don't speak in anger,

don't speak in angst,

don't speak in tears,

don't speak from the heart.

remain in silence as long as it takes.

don't shoot.

i'm not ok.

i swallow with the intention of swallowing the pain.

i place both my hands over my ears to try to stop my head from spinning.

i wrap my arms around my chest just to stay in one piece.

i can't even put sentences together because i'm so broken.

shoot.

no, don't shoot.

i'm still broken.

i can't fix this mess.

i can't fix me.